The Worst Ten Movies I've Ever Seen
In general, I love time travel stories, even bad ones. But Timecop ignores its own rules a half-dozen times, milks every action and cop movie cliché for all its worth, and stars Jean-Claude Van Damme, who makes Arnold Schwarzenegger look like Al Pacino. I would love to place this movie on a "So Bad It's Good" list (hey, there's an idea!), but the film fell so short of it potential that I finished just feeling frustrated.
The title shares a lot of letters with the word "derivative" and would have been aptly titled as such. Perhaps Derivative: A Thriller would have worked. Goldie Hawn marries John Heard who reveals several years later that he's a psychopath. Almost all tense moments are cheap thriller fodder, and the ending is so unbelievable that it's hard not to laugh. It doesn't help that I don't particularly care for either actor.
If I saw this one again, while drunk and with friends, we would probably enjoy giving it the Mystery Science Theater 3,000 treatment. Like most sequels, there is a new director and writer who basically ignore the first movie and only half-try, knowing that no matter how bad it is, they'll still reel in gullible suckers and make a profit. A little surprising is that the director, Irvin Kershner, directed the best sequel in the history of cinema, The Empire Strikes Back. The first movie was great campy fun, with an original idea, and an effective mix of action, suspense, and intelligent, witty dialogue. The only thing left here is witty dialogue. None of the other half-baked ideas in this crap is intelligent.
7
In the words of ESPN Page 2 columnist Bill Simmons, "This movie does not exist!" The original Rocky seems cliché by today's standards but was original and refreshing when it was released and is the primary source for many copycat movies about down-and-outs winning against all odds. Four of those copycat movies are sequels, and while the first three sequels were all watchable, they don't get much more boring than this. I think we were supposed to care about the characters this time around, but Rocky himself has become, if it's possible, even more shallow. And you can probably count on one hand how many people give a rip about boxer Tommy Morrison, or his character, Tommy Gunn(!).
This is dangerously close to B-Movie material, but it starred Edward Furlong (on the heels of Terminator 2) and Anthony Edwards, so I'm going with it. As with most of Stephen King's novels, the subject matter is usually too bizarre or too grand to translate well to the cinema. Dead animals coming to life and terrorizing people seems simple enough, but subjects itself to cheap scares and tons of gore without expert direction, writing, and special effects. None of those things are available here and the result is pretty crude. I haven't seen the original movie, though from what I read, it's almost as bad.
Four sequels in a row, but this is the last one! I am a huge Star Trek fan. I don't go to conventions or collect dolls, but I love watching the show. Science fiction really isn't my bag, but Star Trek has always focused more on the stories and the characters rather than the science. And a future where humans are good to each other appeals to my sensibilities. Gene Roddenberry was brilliant and he hired great writers. But for some reason he didn't beat William Shatner with a club when he decided to write and direct the fifth motion picture. Not only is the story hard to follow, it is mind-numbingly boring. At some point they take their ship to the end of the universe. Everyone wonders: Are they going to see God? Except I didn't care. I was still retching from the pain of watching Bones, Spock, and Kirk singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" around a campfire.
I thought this movie was going to be funny. Seriously. Alright, I was twelve years old, but my parents must've thought it was going to be funny, because they rented it. Estelle Getty playing the overbearing mother of a cop could have been funny, but I wanted to strangle the bitch almost right away (the character, not Estelle Getty). And Sly Stallone (making a second appearance in this top ten--everyone raise their hand who is surprised) does nothing to make his pussified character believable (not that the script helped). The only thing amusing about this 89-minute movie is the title, and that's generous.
I may get some argument out of this one. Perhaps I just really dislike Goldie Hawn. But the previews for this one were great, and Robert Zemeckis was directing. And talk about a bread-and-butter concept for the writers. Two women (the other being Meryl Streep, who I really like) in a love triangle with Bruce Willis, want to kill one another. They both take a potion that gives them ever-lasting life and discover that killing each other becomes a mite difficult. The special effects did not disappoint (I especially liked seeing Goldie Hawn with a huge hole in her torso), but for a black comedy (my favorite), I didn't find myself laughing at all. I was only eleven years old at the time, but the party I was with, all older than myself, hated it too.
A little black kid witnesses a murder but won't tell the police anything unless they make him a cop. Burt Reynolds is forced to allow the little black kid follow him around on the case (ugh). They have a male bonding scene at the urinals. Enough said. The worst field trip I ever had in school.
This movie holds a special place in my heart, as it was the first date I ever went on. I fell in love that night, December 20th, 1996. In stark, stark contrast, I have never left a theater loathing a movie as much as this one. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad star in this comedy about a father (Arnold) who will do anything to give his kid the new hot toy for Christmas, while Sinbad plays the jealous neighbor who will do even more than that to get the toy away from him. It normally takes a lot to offend me, and this is probably the only movie I have ever found offensive. While it is obviously directed at kids, the adults are so cruel to one another (using cartoon violence that is better suited for, well, cartoons) that even I was wincing. The plot could have been woven into a sentimental morality play on materialism but instead winds up glorifying everything it purportedly objects to, with Arnold eventually winning the escapade and getting the toy for his son. Throw in a overtly sexual side plot with Phil Hartman trying to steal Arnold's wife and you have something I wouldn't let any child near. What hurts even more is that it takes place in Minneapolis, my home, where people at least pretend to be nice to one another most of the time. About the only funny thing in this garbage is the final Christmas parade, and only because it is obviously shot in Los Angeles at a studio.
